Welcome to the much-delayed, eagerly anticipated first issue of the Demarest In Exile house organ called Outtelligence. Most of you have probably never heard of it. That's OK because neither had we until we decided that writing an underground newsletter sounded like a reasonable excuse to avoid doing any real work.

The Rules

1. Quiet Hours

Whenever you go to sleep to whenever you wake up. Use earplugs if necessary.

2. Writing Up

Anyone who doesn't do what they're supposed to, or anyone who does what they aren't supposed to (unless they are granted permission by whoever is supposed to do it, or, in the case that no one is supposed to do it, by everyone else concerned) will be "written up." This doesn't happen much, first, because no one is entirely sure how someone can be "written up" (as opposed to "picked up" or "hung up," etc.) and second, because very few people ever actually make it to this part of the paragraph.

3. Hearings

Residents who are "written up" have a right to a hearing by all unbiased residents of Demarest In Exile who can be awakened for the occasion. This applies for all residents except Martin, who has no rights.

4. Punishments

Everyone who is found "probably guilty" (or worse) at a hearing will get some form of punishment. This can be as serious as exposure to Berni, but is usually an assignment to do a hall bulletin board on a particular issue. However, since Demarest In Exile has no hall bulletin board, this punishment is usually dropped.

5. Sections

All Demarest In Exile residents must belong to at least one section. There are no formal procedures for forming a section; simply tell someone about it and it's there. Residents may belong to any number of sections. The minimum number of members for an active section is 0.

6. Propaganda

There are several rules regarding the dissemination of propaganda against the reactionary usurpers in Demarest. First, the address and phone number of Demarest In Exile or the full names of any of its residents may not be included. Second, the identities of our co-conspirators still living underground in Demarest must not be revealed. Third, the literature must make some reference to Berni's weight, but not in a manner that could provoke a lawsuit. (This is tricky, but not impossible.) Finally, the distributor(s) bear sole responsibility for photocopying costs.

7. Staff

All residents of Demarest In Exile are preceptors. All preceptors are on duty whenever they are in Demarest In Exile. Therefore, if any resident has a problem, there is always at least one on-duty preceptor available to help.

8. Hall Government

Anarchy will usually prevail.

9. Alcohol Policy

Alcoholic beverages and flammable gelatinous solids may be consumed any place at any time.

10. Bill of Rights

These rules do not include a Bill of Rights, as it would be unfair to do so without also including a Bill of Lefts. Additionally, Martin has no rights.

More rules will soon be added arbitrarily, without input from those affected; indeed, probably without even telling those affected until after they have violated the rules and been sentenced to deregistration.

Subscriptions

We would be glad to accept your money if you wanted to subscribe to Outtelligence so that you would be sure not to miss any of the exciting features in this newsletter that will be issued every once in a while. Unfortunately, we cannot give our address (see Rule 6 above), so you won't know where to send your money. Better luck next time.

HOME